le sigh

I know i'm not perfect and lately it's been showing more often than i'd like to admit. at the same time though, i've never been more aware of myself, of who i am. it's hard to describe. it's not in the sense of my actions or well being, because i'm really fucking up in those aspects, but more along the lines of awareness in who i am, what i want to gain out of life, and how i could possibly fit into this mess called 'life'.

i'm writing a paper of epic proportions (up to my capabilities, at least), but i'm seriously skeptical about posting it to the public. if you don't really know or understand who i am at this point in my life, i don't want you to read it. it's one of those things that digs way too deep into me and my ideals-thoughts-dreams-hopes and you shouldn't be reading it. mainly out of fairness to myself. you shouldn't know that much about me but if you want to, be my friend. that's cool, too. if you want to read it, let me know. it's pretty fucking ill.

i've really been going through a rough patch of my life this semester. it has been the most challenging academically and emotionally. i don't know if it's one of those things where the more fucked up shit you go through, the more you learn about yourself, but i'm starting to get a real sense of who i am. my confidence has been building up, but with all that's going on it's getting harder to prove, even to myself.

oh sidenote: i also hate that so many things i see or hear or learn or do have been connecting to me and these new thoughts i have. it's getting really fucked up at this point. shit.

anyway, i have a lot of shit to work out. i've been worn down to the core and i am just so thankful that soon, so soon, i will be home for a month. a month away from the craziness that's destroying my life and my goals and fucking mental stability. jesus. i finally get to be around great people who don't have intentions of hurting me. a month away from deception, manipulation, lies, greed. it's gona be fucking awesome, yo. it kills me.

i'm a lover, not a fighter.
i want to be happy, that's all.

You have to trust in something--your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever--because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. - Woody Allen

Scrambled Egg

I should really start getting my act together. I'm fucking all over the place.
I need a beach vacation.

Gina

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMxUh4JuLMs


LOLLLL
luvu

Goodies

time to watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-R5Vh5tOWk&NR=1



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLfsG8XKWfw



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anxkrm9uEJk



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpBzQI_7ez8



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH2iufUU1f4



http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html








and read ishmael. srsly. pz.

Meltdown

In one of my education classes we were given an authors critique on a text that is meant to describe other nation’s points of view in their own textbooks. It is clear that other nation’s texts are going to read differently than the ones produced in America. Ideally, the intentions of the book History Lessons: How Textbooks From Around the World Portray U.S. History is great for the understanding of how other nations history came to be and shows the comparisons. The United States has this “isolationist tendency”, as do all other nations and it is important to be aware of the truth. Unfortunately, both sides can be viewed as fact. Who are we to decide that their point of view is wrong? We are taught to believe that whatever we have done in our own histories is what made us the country we came to be today. This brings up the impact of conspiracy theories. In essence, they are real. We have proof of it from our own American history, but what is not clear is how much of what we think to be true, is actually true?

Now so more than ever, I believe we are living in a very corrupt system of government. This may be because I am more aware of the political goings-on that we are facing due to the upcoming elections, but never the less it is clear to me that something is wrong. From history we have seen that America used to be a very dominant, proud and free nation. It was those factors alone which laid out the fundamental outlines for how our democracy should run. We used to rise above many other countries, and other countries, at least I think so, used to admire us for what we stood for. There are two possibilities for this aching feeling of sadness and paranoia I feel coming from our nation. It could either be that our current President truly did put us in a horrible rut, or that corporate America is really trying to take over the world behind our backs.

Sticking with conspiracy theories though, I am questioning their liability. Why should I believe these theories? I do not want to believe in them solely because I feel I ought to protest our government in every way possible. I want to know facts, and I need real truth coming from the higher-ups in our country. I want our country to admit that it was wrong about something rather than constantly pointing their fingers and playing the blame game. It is important to be rational when considering conspiracy theories as truth. Logic and research must be legitimately done and both sides need to be present. Hearing what one wants to hear is generally going to shine through.

What is interesting is how much conspiracies, especially real ones, impact our society. We have grown to be dependant on a nation and a president to lay down the laws and regulate corruption so we can grow and become prosperous either independently or as a whole community. Using the example of Watergate in 1972, it is unbelievable someone with such power as Nixon could tarnish such a democracy. With investigations in burglary, fraud, espionage, wiretappings and laundering it is no wonder the public was disgusted with the Republican Party. With that in mind, their government completely changed. Many new laws were put into effect as well as amendments like the Freedom of Information Act. The following House and Senate elections dramatically changed as well. Democrats gained five seats in the Senate and 49 were in the House.

Conspiracy theories are a very real thing today, too. Take the 9/11 theory that the government knew about it the whole time. Recently, though, I came across a book that really shook me. It is called Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins. In brief, corporate higher ups come together and go into underdeveloped countries and propose them with huge loans saying if we give you a certain amount of money, you can build up your country and economy and will have the ability to pay us back whenever you can. These countries such as Ecuador and Costa Rice obviously are willing to accept this offer. The countries now get into serious debt and in the end wind up owing their life and all their profits to the United States because they cannot payback their dues. This is why these countries thrive off tourism and cannot make ends meet on their own. These “hit men” go into the country, build it up, and then leave and let the rest just fall into their laps and banks. It makes sense and is not surprising. This gives so much power to the United States it is unbelievable; all the underdeveloped countries are now at the mercy of a huge superpower of a nation, the U.S. Things like this are happening within our own country now which makes it even more intolerable. Companies are lending out mortgages that are clearly never going to be paid off? Why is it that this happened?

With all this corruption going on in our government is it surprising that our society does not trust our government the way it used to? There is hardly a sense of nationalism. It was in full force when the 9/11 tragedy struck, but now it barely exists. Our country needs a strong and firm government willing to change and clean up the messes we have made, not one in which we need to be weary of its intentions and ideals. Conspiracy theories, ones that seem plausible, do nothing to satisfy the people. We need to aim towards a nation that wants prosperity for all and will put the people first, not the needs of the power-hungry and the war-lords. What happened to: for the people, by the people? We deserve to know the truth, it is our country after all, the government should only be there for support and progressive leadership.

listerine

my phone literally BOUNCED off my couch and proceeded to land in my glass of water which was sitting on the floor.

i swear to God, only me.

I got to thinkin about my life and where it's been heading [again] today. I've been treking the right path I think, but there definitely needs to be some serious altercation. Need more faces and places. I can't start doing the customary and routine already. Digging for the bigger meaning is too important to me. Finding out who I really am is even more so. I just want to be happy and filled with all things "good" when I think about my life. I'm 20, but hey I know a lot of people who are already half settled and content with that or people who are completely lost and have no direction. That can't be me. I have way too many plans. I'd like to think I have been through enough the past couple years to accept that I have changed as a person somewhat. But I can't tell if it's all for the best. I've become more cynical for sure, but maybe that's just me being less naiive. I've become less passionate about things and people, but maybe that's because I've realized their realities and intensions. I don't know. I'd like to start focusing more on me and coming to my own realizations about myself. Not to the point where I'm self-centered, obviouslyy, or only concentrated on this tiny realm of ideas and thoughts and people and situations and places. More in the direction of expanding my mind and interests and experiences. I want to do everything. And that makes me lame. It's cool. I'll come to terms with that one day, too.

This has been floating around in my head most probably because I began reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn a few days ago aaand it's fucking awesome. Everyone should read it. One of those, makes you question everything you believe in sort of things. Very cynical, very interesting, very thoughtful, very strange. Makes me wish my life was more. Or that life was more?

anyway, this week has promise cause we're off tuesday and wednesdayyy (which is also 80s night for kristens burthday- siiick). loove free time.

my parents are in a huge fight over listerine right now. 

i hope my life never comes to that.

i'm getting my cavity filled tomorrow morning and i really really hate the dentist. especially the one i go to because he has no consideration for my mouth. he pokes and pries and makes me bleed and doesn't even care. it's going to be so bad. after tomorrow though, my mom said i can go to a new dentist. one who gives me cooler tooth brushes.

end.

timetable

i have tons of journals at home, all of which i rarely write in. i figure, maybe if i have this it'll be easier to keep up with.

anyway this week was amazing
wednesday i saw mars volta; fucking mindblowing. got in the middle of a maniac throwin some serious punches, blood spewing everywhere; spent the night getting wasted and angry. friday, i went out for sushi with some of my girls and australians, then went to this club/lounge place where i got free alcohol. saturday dez and erik came in. i really missed her so much cause she's my beautiful best friend. had some good conversation, finally. [i deal with so many boring and/or stupid people.] yesterday i went to st. gennaro, got real fat then saw burn notice. awesome.
then next thursday's nfg.

anyway, my dreams have been so crazy vivid lately. so i started a journal just for my dreams, kind of like william s. burroughs book: my education. it should be pretty sweet after i have a bunch cause then maybe i can make some short stories out of them.
i had this one dream the other day that i can't stop talking about: there was a party going on at my house. Me, dan and a few other faces i cannot recall were in my den. i was standing by the sliding doors, talking, when all of a sudden i knew i was going to die. the conversation turned to me asking what everyone thought happens when you die. everyone said you just die. it ends. this is it. nothingness. then i said, i think this is just a test, an experiment leading to something much much bigger than we could ever imagine. i definitely don't think i meant a "heaven" or something, but possibly. just another world type thing. then after i said that, i vanished, flew away, but was still able to roam around watching everyone.

it was bizarre. and then i told my friend in class and she said that meant someone close to me was going to die and i got all anxious for the rest of the day.

later.