le sigh

I know i'm not perfect and lately it's been showing more often than i'd like to admit. at the same time though, i've never been more aware of myself, of who i am. it's hard to describe. it's not in the sense of my actions or well being, because i'm really fucking up in those aspects, but more along the lines of awareness in who i am, what i want to gain out of life, and how i could possibly fit into this mess called 'life'.

i'm writing a paper of epic proportions (up to my capabilities, at least), but i'm seriously skeptical about posting it to the public. if you don't really know or understand who i am at this point in my life, i don't want you to read it. it's one of those things that digs way too deep into me and my ideals-thoughts-dreams-hopes and you shouldn't be reading it. mainly out of fairness to myself. you shouldn't know that much about me but if you want to, be my friend. that's cool, too. if you want to read it, let me know. it's pretty fucking ill.

i've really been going through a rough patch of my life this semester. it has been the most challenging academically and emotionally. i don't know if it's one of those things where the more fucked up shit you go through, the more you learn about yourself, but i'm starting to get a real sense of who i am. my confidence has been building up, but with all that's going on it's getting harder to prove, even to myself.

oh sidenote: i also hate that so many things i see or hear or learn or do have been connecting to me and these new thoughts i have. it's getting really fucked up at this point. shit.

anyway, i have a lot of shit to work out. i've been worn down to the core and i am just so thankful that soon, so soon, i will be home for a month. a month away from the craziness that's destroying my life and my goals and fucking mental stability. jesus. i finally get to be around great people who don't have intentions of hurting me. a month away from deception, manipulation, lies, greed. it's gona be fucking awesome, yo. it kills me.

i'm a lover, not a fighter.
i want to be happy, that's all.

You have to trust in something--your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever--because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. - Woody Allen