listerine

my phone literally BOUNCED off my couch and proceeded to land in my glass of water which was sitting on the floor.

i swear to God, only me.

I got to thinkin about my life and where it's been heading [again] today. I've been treking the right path I think, but there definitely needs to be some serious altercation. Need more faces and places. I can't start doing the customary and routine already. Digging for the bigger meaning is too important to me. Finding out who I really am is even more so. I just want to be happy and filled with all things "good" when I think about my life. I'm 20, but hey I know a lot of people who are already half settled and content with that or people who are completely lost and have no direction. That can't be me. I have way too many plans. I'd like to think I have been through enough the past couple years to accept that I have changed as a person somewhat. But I can't tell if it's all for the best. I've become more cynical for sure, but maybe that's just me being less naiive. I've become less passionate about things and people, but maybe that's because I've realized their realities and intensions. I don't know. I'd like to start focusing more on me and coming to my own realizations about myself. Not to the point where I'm self-centered, obviouslyy, or only concentrated on this tiny realm of ideas and thoughts and people and situations and places. More in the direction of expanding my mind and interests and experiences. I want to do everything. And that makes me lame. It's cool. I'll come to terms with that one day, too.

This has been floating around in my head most probably because I began reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn a few days ago aaand it's fucking awesome. Everyone should read it. One of those, makes you question everything you believe in sort of things. Very cynical, very interesting, very thoughtful, very strange. Makes me wish my life was more. Or that life was more?

anyway, this week has promise cause we're off tuesday and wednesdayyy (which is also 80s night for kristens burthday- siiick). loove free time.

my parents are in a huge fight over listerine right now. 

i hope my life never comes to that.

i'm getting my cavity filled tomorrow morning and i really really hate the dentist. especially the one i go to because he has no consideration for my mouth. he pokes and pries and makes me bleed and doesn't even care. it's going to be so bad. after tomorrow though, my mom said i can go to a new dentist. one who gives me cooler tooth brushes.

end.

timetable

i have tons of journals at home, all of which i rarely write in. i figure, maybe if i have this it'll be easier to keep up with.

anyway this week was amazing
wednesday i saw mars volta; fucking mindblowing. got in the middle of a maniac throwin some serious punches, blood spewing everywhere; spent the night getting wasted and angry. friday, i went out for sushi with some of my girls and australians, then went to this club/lounge place where i got free alcohol. saturday dez and erik came in. i really missed her so much cause she's my beautiful best friend. had some good conversation, finally. [i deal with so many boring and/or stupid people.] yesterday i went to st. gennaro, got real fat then saw burn notice. awesome.
then next thursday's nfg.

anyway, my dreams have been so crazy vivid lately. so i started a journal just for my dreams, kind of like william s. burroughs book: my education. it should be pretty sweet after i have a bunch cause then maybe i can make some short stories out of them.
i had this one dream the other day that i can't stop talking about: there was a party going on at my house. Me, dan and a few other faces i cannot recall were in my den. i was standing by the sliding doors, talking, when all of a sudden i knew i was going to die. the conversation turned to me asking what everyone thought happens when you die. everyone said you just die. it ends. this is it. nothingness. then i said, i think this is just a test, an experiment leading to something much much bigger than we could ever imagine. i definitely don't think i meant a "heaven" or something, but possibly. just another world type thing. then after i said that, i vanished, flew away, but was still able to roam around watching everyone.

it was bizarre. and then i told my friend in class and she said that meant someone close to me was going to die and i got all anxious for the rest of the day.

later.