Scarecrow

something vague that we're not seeing

2011-12-06T01:03:00.001-05:00

My uncle, Mr. Crosby, was driving. I could see his eyes watching me through the rearview mirror, worried. Feeling bad for this, I told him I was taking a nap and that he could wake me when we got to San Francisco or somewhere beautiful. He lowered his head and nodded.

The next thing I knew, twilight had begun. The sky was an incredible purple; lit with bits of stars, like broken glass, anticipating their own failure as the fight to outshine the sun carries on. I'm lead by Crosby to a door which says---Exit Only.

Blurry eyed and foggy I stumble up the steep stairs, and into a dark room; thin slivers of neon lights streaking the smokey air. The music is almost unbearable. It's so loud I cannot even hear it, only feel it inside my chest. It's vibrating my nerves so intensely that I feel they're strumming the song itself.

But then you're there and the world disappears and makes sense. Then what do I do? Fall. Fall and spill someone's glass of water. You're a DJ and I'm a mess. Feeling all the wrong things at all the right moments.

You're jumping and spinning. It's like a scene from True Romance. And as I look up at you from still down below, I think, at least I've made it this far.

be fair to me, I may drift awhile

2011-11-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

I chased the sunset

as the last violent red and purple rays

disappeared over the skyline.

I was surprised to find my reflection

waiting patiently across the water,

fragile and fearless.

Dulled lights, Tetris molds

and still waters support a city infected with chaos;

like the pores, skeletons and blood supporting my own empyrean self

simple (living)

2011-10-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

Fathers

Observing and adoring he'll patiently sit--contemplating and counting his blessings. He'd carry the world, with all its tremendous weight -for you- dreading the day you'd have to hold it on your own.

And so, there's strength and pride, fear and distress--but their faces are so beautiful, emanating love and joy. Nothing matters except for the sounds of their laughter and the pure vision of their existence.

He knows life is short and can be a terrifying place, but there's nothing he can do besides
_sit back and love
_stand up and protect
and bring forth some wisdom

to love and be loved,
can be more than enough.

rest peacefully, grandpa.
[Antonio Malatesta; Oct. 23, 2011]

move for me, i'll move for you

2011-08-28T22:51:00.001-04:00

hydrogenesis

^^^^^^^^^^.

everybody's where they need to be, but nobody's where you need them...

2011-07-30T09:47:00.003-04:00

Leaving Bushwick late last night,

I made my way past families and their friends and their kids and their families;

enjoying their final moments of humid evening

out on their stoops

under telephone lines and dangling sneakers.

I see a young boy a couple yards in front of me

holding onto a tree for dear life.

I notice that he is wearing roller skates;

and completely baffled

by how they are supposed to work

how is he seriously supposed to move or roll or skate?

he cautiously and semi-frantically looks over his shoulder

to his friends

seeking support.

After no acknowledgement, he calls out,

"A LITTLE HELP WOULD BE NICE!"

By this point I am basically in front of him.

We make eye contact.

No one responds.

A little farther now, I turn back around empathetically.

"Make them tighter!" I yell.

He stops moving.

Eyes me suspiciously,

"Tighter?"

I half smile and nod.

He nods back, "Tighter."

[Dust under the rug.]

Subjectivity

2011-07-10T22:02:00.001-04:00

"Because most of our knowledge of science is communicated to us as finished and accepted facts or theories, that is, as "final form presentation of science", we do not have any knowledge of the process of "private science," which is influenced and bounded by social, intellectual, metaphysical, and creative processes that most of us would believe to be quite "unscientific".

Thus, in examining the world of the scientist, I find that the interpersonal--that is, talk and the laboratory--is linked with ideas that emerge from the purely personal playground of imagination and wonder. The very private musing of a child finds its origins in wonder and may eventually be transformed through reflection, dialogue, and finally collaboration into a question and ultimately a theory about the world. These are the seeds that the classroom can nurture and build upon as teachers and children mutually engage in the world of science."

Amen.

you can't measure something that doesn't exist

2011-06-03T17:09:00.000-04:00

i am in this moment, but i have been in every moment. i am here, but i have been there and everywhere. i am whole hearted. i am enough.

what does it mean to live? really live? is it to breathe?
and think and move?
Is it to feel love?
and happiness and sadness
and fear and shame and jealousy?
It is pride and courage.
Is it to cry?
is it to feel pain and inflict pain?
It is to kiss.
and taste and to orgasm.
is it to dream?
It is to imagine.
to play.
to laugh.
to help. and fight? to challenge.

Those are all primary facets to living, but what about the space in between? How does A connect to B? What kind of living does that constitute? Those are the choices we make. Those are our stories. I am an individual. I am nothing, but I am someone. Unique bodies developed through experience and understanding. It is about connection--human connection--that reminds us we're alive and living.

Artificial connections boil below the surface, capturing the simplest elements of a body and vibrate the moments captured. They are a small reminder to ourselves that we're alive. Reminding us that we could always be our better selves if we do...if we buy...if we look like...if we listen to...if we believe...

we are enough.
without an army telling us so?
confront it; don't ignore it. why would you?
to not to be afraid of what you might find.

you are enough
be vulnerable
invite A (honesty) to meet B (shame)
you are enough.

New York...

2011-05-03T02:25:00.002-04:00

"New York is an ugly city, a dirty city. Its climate is a scandal, its politics are used to frighten children, its traffic is madness, its competition is murderous. But there is one thing about it -- once you have lived in New York and it has become your home, no place else is good enough."- John Steinbeck

State of Being

2011-05-02T15:43:00.002-04:00

This whole month+ I've been feeling so emotionally, physically, spiritually and politically stunted. It's all temporary, I know myself; I've just been so absorbed in my work, trying to grasp all that I'm learning, taking it to the next level and trying to respond and act accordingly in my work. Key word: trying. I suppose it's because I cannot really tell if I'm actually "getting" it. I'm not receiving anything in return for my efforts, so it's all just flapping in the breeze. easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl. Anyway, aside from my personal strifes, it's also what I'm observing, socially and culturally, that makes me uneasy.

What really started to irk me was the whole Republican presidential nominee nonsense. Trump, really? It's all become such a joke. This country seems so uninspired and despondent; what with the multiple wars, incredible national debt, unemployment, and the natural disasters, it's bound to be the case. Then over the weekend I watched the President's speech at the Correspondent's Dinner. I smiled, I laughed. I felt better.

The montage at the beginning? His live birth video? It was brilliantly written; political satire at its finest... reminding me of all the reasons why I liked Obama in the first place. He's a natural speaker, I can sense the sincerity in his voice, and therefore his motivations. Our political system is a convoluted hell hole, and the people that are currently in its place are there for a reason. How much freedom we actually have, we'll never know, but this country needs a face. And his is the one I'm happy to be looking at. By the end of his speech I found myself in tears. I cried because I don't want things to be this way anymore. I cried because there's so much tension and stress underlying our everyday interactions and activities, whether we acknowledge it or not. I know that in the end it's all a matter of how we accept these hardships and frustrations into our life that make us who we are, but what if that's not enough? Shouldn't we care more for the state of our being and existence to want more from the body that governs us? Shouldn't we try to fight for what's ours? I cried because I'm fighting in my own ways, small but satisfying. I cried because I'm afraid others have given up the fight and submitted. Maybe not. But I cried. I was also really drunk.

Then I watched Seth Meyer's speech. He's awesome. I was thoroughly impressed by the extensive wreckage placed on Trumps stupid looking skull.

These clips are long, but well worth the watch. One of my favorite parts was when Seth was pointing out to Obama how much he's aged physically and withered in spirit since the 2008 election. "I tell you who could definitely beat you Mr. President--2008 Barack Obama. You would have loved him."

So all this, then woop! bang zoom! We've killed Osama bin Laden.

?!

Neil Gaiman

2011-03-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.redbubble.com/people/darkestartist/journal/2029283-neil-gaimans-i-believe-speech-from-american-gods

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen–I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones who look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies too. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive

and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

Alan Watts__The Joyous Cosmology

2011-03-23T22:53:00.000-04:00

"...but it doesn't matter a bit if you don't understand, because each one of you is quite perfect as you are, even if you don't know it. Life is basically a gesture, but no one, no thing, is making it. There is no necessity for it to happen, and none for it to go on happening. For it isn't being driven by anything; it just happens freely of itself. It's a gesture of motion, of sound, of color, and just as no one is making it, it isn't happening to anyone. There is simply no problem of life; it is completely purposeless play—exuberance which is its own end. Basically there is the gesture. Time, space, and multiplicity are complications of it. There is no reason whatever to explain it, for explanations are just another form of complexity, a new manifestation of life on top of life, of gestures gesturing. Pain and suffering are simply extreme forms of play, and there isn't anything in the whole universe to be afraid of because it doesn't happen to anyone! There isn't any substantial ego at all. The ego is a kind of flip, a knowing of knowing, a fearing of fearing. It's a curlicue, an extra jazz to experience, a sort of double-take or reverberation, a dithering of consciousness which is the same as anxiety.

Of course, to say that life is just a gesture, an action without agent, recipient, or purpose, sounds much more empty and futile than joyous. But to me it seems that an ego, a substantial entity to which experience happens, is more of a minus than a plus. It is an estrangement from experience, a lack of participation. And in this moment I feel absolutely with the world, free of that chronic resistance to experience which blocks the free flowing of life and makes us move like muscle-bound dancers. But I don't have to overcome resistance. I see that resistance, ego, is just an extra vortex in the stream--part of it—and that in fact there is no actual resistance at all. There is no point from which to confront life, or stand against it."

Perpetual Motion.

2010-11-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Lucid Dreaming:

The room is so dark, I can barely see my friends. To see better, they inch closer and closer to where i'm sitting on my couch. They keep telling me the room is getting too hot. I tell them to back off and open the window, it's not a big deal. Closer and closer and I start to panic. I can't get to the window because they are surrounding me. I push past them, going into the restaurant in the next room. Realizing I am having a panic attack, I go to the bar and ask the waitress for a glass of water. She is taking her sweet time and I am gasping for air. The manager notices me and starts yelling to his waitress to hurry up. He starts yelling at me in a foreign language. I am gasping for air, and I'm in control. I am holding onto the bar, as I am noticing I am starting to slip. It's getting difficult to hold myself up and the only thing I thought of to do was slap him. I feel myself reach over the bar, smack his stubbled round face and then I fall. I am free falling into blackness and I wake myself up.

probably not a good sign... I was so overly tired, frustrated and upset that even before I slipped into my subconscious, my body was twitching. This whole sequence happened in a span of ten minutes, too. I woke up and was afraid. Afraid of what it meant. I didn't want to go back to sleep, but knew it was inevitable. I didn't want to slip back into that nightmare, it was still so close. I played solitaire for another hour and lost at about 20 games. I wouldn't go back to sleep until I won; I needed to have some satisfaction.

It's beautiful out today. I took a long walk with my iPod. Cleared my head; reconfigured my thoughts.

Clint Eastwood

2010-06-26T13:14:00.003-04:00

"We’re like a compulsive gambler plunging ever more deeply into debt in order to wager on a rigged game. There is no victory to be had in Afghanistan, only grief. We’re bulldozing Detroit while at the same time trying to establish model metropolises in Kabul and Kandahar. We’re spending endless billions on this wretched war but can’t extend the unemployment benefits of Americans suffering from the wretched economy here at home.

The difference between this and a nightmare is that when you wake up from a nightmare it’s over. This is all too tragically real."_Bob Herbert/NYTimes

Pigeons

2010-05-23T12:43:00.002-04:00

I find it a bit unsettling that I have never seen a baby pigeon.

http://www.politicalcompass.org/index
try it...

New York

2010-04-29T21:05:00.001-04:00

I love you, but you're bringing me down_

_for those who think it still exists.

Bring our children home...

2010-04-23T12:53:00.004-04:00

http://www.countercurrents.org/willers200410.htm

last night was wonderful. erin and i went on a romantic dinner, enjoyed some sushi and sake and chatted about our whims and woes of the past weeks events. business matters are still unraveling in terms of our living status come end of summer. we want large dining room tables and patios and puppies. that is all. we then ventured out to find our favorite irish bartender. delirium and beach boys in one short sitting topped the night off beautifully. with such luck as we have, we wound up having payed a $3.50 cab ride. life is sweet. i want to dance tonight. my birthday is 3 days away. 22. hotdamn.

Life Stories

2010-04-18T17:02:00.002-04:00

Why the hunger for these? If it is a hunger. Maybe it’s more like bossiness. Maybe we just want to be in charge, of the life, no matter who lived it.

It helps if there are photos. No more choices for the people in them — pick this one, dump that one. The livers of the lives in question had their chances, most of which they blew. They should have spotted the photographer in the bushes, they shouldn’t have chewed with their mouths open, they shouldn’t have worn the strapless top, they shouldn’t have yawned, they shouldn’t have laughed: so unattractive, the candid denture. So that’s what she looked like, we say, connecting the snapshot to the year of the torrid affair. Face like a half- eaten pizza, and is that him, gaping down her front? What did he see in her, besides cheap lunch? He was already going bald. What was all the fuss about?

I’m working on my own life story. I don’t mean I’m putting it together; no, I’m taking it apart. It’s mostly a question of editing. If you’d wanted the narrative line you should have asked earlier, when I still knew everything and was more than willing to tell. That was before I discovered the virtues of scissors, the virtues of matches.

I was born, I would have begun, once. But snip, snip, away go mother and father, white ribbons of paper blown by the wind, with grandparents tossed out for good measure. I spent my childhood. Enough of that as well. Goodbye dirty little dresses, goodbye scuffed shoes that caused me such anguish, goodbye well- thumbed tears and scabby knees, and sadness worn at the edges.

Adolescence can be discarded too, with its salty tanned skin, its fecklessness and bad romance and leakages of seasonal blood. What was it like to breathe so heavily, as if drugged, while rubbing up against strange leather coats in alleyways? I can’t remember.

Once you get started it’s fun. So much free space opens up. Rip, crumple, up in flames, out the window. I was born, I grew up, I studied, I loved, I married, I procreated, I said, I wrote, all gone now. I went, I saw, I did. Farewell crumbling turrets of historic interest, farewell icebergs and war monuments, all those young stone men with eyes upturned, and risky voyages teeming with germs, and dubious hotels, and doorways opening both in and out. Farewell friends and lovers, you’ve slipped from view, erased, defaced: I know you once had hairdos and told jokes, but I can’t recall them. Into the ground with you, my tender fur- brained cats and dogs, and horses and mice as well: I adored you, dozens of you, but what were your names?

I’m getting somewhere now, I’m feeling lighter. I’m coming unstuck from scrapbooks, from albums, from diaries and journals, from space, from time. Only a paragraph left, only a sentence or two, only a whisper.

I was born.
I was.
I.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpted from The Tent by Margaret Atwood Copyright © 2006 by Margaret Atwood. Excerpted by permission of Nan A. Talese, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2010-03-21T15:21:00.003-04:00

i took it like a grown man cryin' on the pavement...

today.

2010-03-18T22:05:00.004-04:00

i love spring. i love sunshine and the warmth it emits onto my skin. i love long walks around and about Manhattan. i love art galleries and sunglasses. i love pockets. i love free samples [i got pizza at one joint and ice cream over a fresh baked brownie at another...seriously]. i especially love the newfound friendliness in the neighborhood.
After last night's St. Patrick's mayhem, my eight avenue/thirty street walk was quite necessary to clear my head. Two hours of free open bar time WILL leave me with a hangover--i'm not entirely invincible to the poisons.

Anyways, here's my good deed of the day:
I passed trader joe's earlier and a protest for labor rights for farmers was a-happenin'. i felt bad going inside considering i support their cause, but like i mentioned earlier, i REALLY wanted a free sample haha. So pretty much the Florida tomato harvesters get paid like shit, no health insurance, right to overtime pay, sick time etc. etc. Trader Joe's and Stop & Shop, cause they're so big, play a big role in farmer exploitation and therefore can do a lot to improve these conditions. So apparently, according to the flier i received, i can help by watching/posting this video:

and giving this letter to a manager:
http://sfalliance.org/resources/Supermarket%20Manager%20Letter.pdf

and telling you people to do the same.
so yeah, our food's our fuel. respekt.

Epic.

2010-03-18T21:40:00.002-04:00

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

I cried my eyes out...

2010-03-15T18:42:00.002-04:00

"Lesbians"

2010-03-10T22:13:00.000-05:00

2/3 train; downtown__Sun.March 7, 2010@ 11:00am

"Next stop, 14th Street, Lesbian Square. 14th Street is run by lesbians. It's nice out today, all the lesbians will be out. That's why I like the winter. No lesbians in sight. Woman without man, is a man."__poetry of a Homeless Man

Who is John Galt?

2010-02-27T14:55:00.003-05:00

“Whatever the degree of your knowledge, these two—existence and consciousness—are axioms you cannot escape, these two are the irreducible primaries implied in any action you undertake, in any part of your knowledge and in its sum, from the first ray of light you perceive at the start of your life to the widest erudition you might aquire at its end. Whether you know the shape of a pebble or the structure of a solar system, the axioms remain the same: that it exists and that you know it.

“To exist is to be something, as distinguished from the nothing of non-existence, it is to be an entity of a specific nature made of specific attributes. Centuries ago, the man who was—no matter what his errors—the greatest of philosophers, has stated the formula defining the concept of existence and the rule of all knowledge: A is A. A thing itself. You have never grasped the meaning of his statement. I am here to complete it: Existence is Identity, Consciousness is Identification.

“Whatever you choose to consider, be it an object, an attribute, or an action, the law of identity remains the same. A leaf cannot be a stone at the same time, it cannot be all red and all green at the same time, it cannot freeze and burn at the same time. A is A. Or, if you wish it stated in simpler language: You cannot have your cake and eat it, too.

“Are you seeking to know what is wrong with your world? All the disasters that have wrecked your world, came from your leaders’ attempt to evade the fact that A is A. All the secret evil you dread to face within you and all the pain you have ever endured, came from your own attempt to evade the fact that A is A. The purpose of those who taught you to evade it, was to make you forget that Man is Man.”

__Ayn Rand

Kyoto Protocol

2009-12-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyoto_Protocol

Is there a reason the United States is the only country with no intention to commit themselves to reducing the effects of global warming?

Phresh.gr

2009-12-13T14:57:00.006-05:00

Dvein // Opening Titles for F5 Festival from DIGITAL TEMPLE Magazine on Vimeo.

Jason Thielke

LOL.

2009-12-09T15:57:00.003-05:00

Important.

2009-12-07T22:23:00.001-05:00

http://www.realclearmarkets.com/articles/2009/12/07/watching_social_security_eat_the_young_alive_97536.html

Brilliant.

2009-12-03T21:24:00.002-05:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Better Know a Lobby - Ploughshares Fund

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

U.S. Speedskating

Amen.

2009-12-01T16:01:00.003-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgH4BnXo0KM&feature=related

I love my family. This is obvious. But I love them for many reasons. Some of which include how they never pressed any of their beliefs on me. Politics was never spoken of. Religion was never spoken of. Yes, I was sent to religion and received my communion and confirmation, but that's pretty standard for many children growing up in Catholic homes. Yes, I did go to Greek school for some ridiculous 8 or 9 years, every Saturday morning from 9-1pm and yes, there were many religious overtones in our instruction, but I still got so much more out of it than that. Though those experiences were meant to be educational, I paid absolutely no attention. Focused was paid rather, on my social life.

I just remember being in church on Holidays and going through the motions like everyone else. I heard, but I didn't listen. From what little I knew, there was even less that I understood. The highlight of mass was obviously getting the little communion coin in my mouth. Same with Greek church--it was getting the bread at the end of mass. That bread was fucking delicious. And at least that church was gorgeous and smelled fantastic.

I've never been a religious person, but I've also never ruled a higher power out. That's just absurd in my opinion. I just have no idea what else is out there, and let's just be serious. Neither do you. But what it comes down to, the factor that bothers me the most, that always has, is organized religion. I remember from such a young age getting annoyed and being bothered by the fact that the Greek church would pass around the money baskets not once, but numerous times. I understand that they need donations to maintain the establishment, but sometimes they were taking it too far. I was always like, "alright bro, don't get greedy". As I got older and was becoming more and more aware of the reality in the situation, I would become angrier and angrier. It became a joke to me. I always got this feeling of distrust from the church. How fucked up is that? I've felt like that since I was a child.

Anyway I love my family for it. What I feel and what I believe has stemmed from me; my perceptions of life and love and honesty and faith come from me. Thank God for it.

pilot.

2009-11-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

n00bian...

2009-10-20T18:18:00.000-04:00

http://www.greenshoelace.com/gsl-music-box/2009/10/20/dim-mak-presents-cloak-and-dagger-santos-party-house-new-york-october-8-2009/

hooray! my first review's been posted on GreenShoelace.com!

almost midnight.

2009-10-12T23:57:00.005-04:00

Songs for the Arctic [music download]:
www.asdfmakes.com/projects/08--songs-for-the-arctic-ocean

--------------------------
yesterday was the underground night of violence. 6 billion people gathered to slaughter for ultimate genocide. This violence began in new zealand and now, i am the only one left standing here in new york.

30 November 2009

---------------------------
i had a dream i was in one of the Dust Bowl's sandstorms during the 1930s.
i also had a dream i found my dream place to live
though, i don't know where exactly it is.
it had beautiful skies and sunsets.
the streets were cracked but we still had picnics on it.
a little girl gave me her handmade jewelry.

---------------------------
i got into a tiff with the lunch lady today

---------------------------

woah. elephants.

2009-10-06T23:40:00.002-04:00

"tidily-dum"

2009-10-01T02:36:00.001-04:00

tidily-dum what has this life become
those scary plastic clown masks are starting to cave in on me
the trees are curling and turning their backs
my body swivels and swerves, my brain shakes and glows
i've lost my grip

the stars are falling
razor piercings cut my skin
and the blood slowly trickles

"warm and endearing," with the comfort in fearing.

even from above-
the raging field still radiates
the scent of polished gold
and the smile-plastered mannequins
starve for empty thoughts

i rewound myself
back down enlightenment road
before the narrow spiral...

...i lay in a cave and dream my life away

Danny

2009-05-07T05:08:00.001-04:00

“Who the hell spearfish’s?” was my first thought when my good friend Danny told me about his past weekend. It’s such a random sport to be passionate about, yet a definite light comes across his face with some sparkles in his eyes, making the situation even more curious to me. To understand why Danny loves spearfishing, I think one needs to know some things about him.
Danny is the craziest friend I’ve ever made. I say this confidently because no one else in my 21 years of life has reminded me so much of Kramer from Seinfeld. He truly does walk in unannounced. Often. He truly does light a cigarette from your stove, drunk and stoned on his birthday at 3:30 a.m., disregarding the fact that you are clearly asleep. He is also truly intelligent, especially in finance and mathematics, mixed with some serious voltage of ADHD. But I do love him. Danny’s the sweetest kid you will ever meet with an unbelievably optimistic outlook on life, living and love. It’s hard for even me to imagine this is true, though because he has one hell of a rough ride through his childhood:
His parents separated before he ever even learned to walk. When he was barely into school, his father died. His mother then, could not take care or control of him and decided to send him to military school. Yes, Danny went to military school, thoroughly disciplined and trained. So Danny went to military school and he loves spearfishing. It makes sense now.
As he’s trying to talk to me about spearfishing, he keeps going off topic. I ask him, “So, Danny, how did you get into spearfishing? What made you want to pick up that speargun, dive into some deep waters and spearfish?” He replies, “Spearfishing’s awesome. It’s such a thrill. I just love living.” I pause and say, “Danny that’s great but, how did you get yourself into spearfishing?” He disregards me yet again and goes off to talking about his dream of finding Nicole.
Who’s Nicole, you ask? Nicole is a great white shark who has broken speed and distance records, according to National Geographic. This marine animal swam from Africa to Australia and back again at record speed; a phenomenal feat for such an animal, but a great achievement as well for those scientists who were able to keep track of her. The scientists following Nicole (named after Nicole Kidman--apparently a shark lover) could now begin to examine and prove the fact that fish are not aimless, but actually systematic in their ventures.
The funny part of all this research I did was when I noticed the article dates. This all happened in 2005-2006. All I could say at the time was, “oh, Danny…”. This kid actually believes that one day Nicole will make it out across the Atlantic Ocean, to the eastern coast of North America, where he will miraculously snorkel upon this almighty great white while he fearlessly spearfishes.
Attempting to research and pry into Danny’s life yet another time around seemed ridiculous to me. I was in no way about to try to uncover his deep, subconscious desire for spearfishing. I wouldn’t have found it as interesting or entertaining as his subconscious desires and dreams of Nicole. So instead, I present you Danny: the coolest kid at Pace University who just so happens to spearfish and has this perverse fetish for powerful great white sharks.

Mama, I'm Swollen.......

2009-05-07T05:05:00.002-04:00

for my feature writing class we had to do an album review...

Who am I? What have I become? Or rather more importantly: Who are we? What have we become? Questions like this can torment a man, wring him dry of all his worth. But there are no answers. Some may shruggingly suggest that this is just the way life has panned out. One can choose to accept, refuse or maintain their ignorance, the foremost seemingly being the wisest of choices. But then there are those rare individuals who seek to question, criticize and hopefully, perhaps even quite forcibly, open some pining eyes to this unsettling nature of our reality (or reality of our nature?).
This is the path the Omaha-based band, Cursive, willed to wander (or stagger) desperately down with their newest project, Mama, I’m Swollen.
While consistently being disappointed by our generation’s stream of popular music, the meaningless trash regurgitated from incompetent ‘hot new artists’, and then all of a sudden hearing Cursive’s lead singer, Tim Kasher, sing was like hearing the voice of a fallen angel unleashed for the first time.
To have song upon song and lyric after lyric grip onto one another with such raw ingenuity, exposing a reality so harsh and inadequate through the eyes of such an artist, is stunningly unexpected and beautifully heartbreaking.
The message the album struggles to project is this idea of devolving; devolving into simpler beings, thriving off our animal instincts. Lost in this complex and evil world, Kasher has lost his faith. His faith in god; faith in humanity; faith in himself, all his senses and instincts: everything. This spiraling outlook of life is written very bluntly, making it impossible for one to invent ambiguities in its meaning. These songs are songs of substance, no doubt.
Mama, I’m Swollen is the definition of confliction. Humanity sees things one way, when it is meant to be the other. It’s a deceitful game we are playing in which there are no winners; the game just self-destructs when the timer goes off:

Simplicity vs. Complexity: our corporate consumer society has transformed our lives into such an unfathomably complex system and is now impossible to imagine the back-peddle to our ancestry’s primitive lifestyle. To own material objects fed into desire was non-existent then and to this day remains unnecessary and unimportant, to an extent. It has been engrained in us to want and want and want regardless the outcome or who will fail in turn. This idea is expressed in a lyric from the song, Caveman: “the taller we become the more dollars we can grab from that highest branch and then step on your back given the chance…I’m no high society man”. This sense of greed in which we have faithfully adopted is imprisoning us from more sustainable aspects of life such as relationships and the experience of life.

Evolution and Devolution: “Let my instincts take the lead, don’t need no upward mobility” expresses so powerfully this notion that our human instincts were always enough to bring about prosperity and great developments. This maintenance and evolvement of upward motion within the class or society has lead to a lustful greed and a deadening desire for more and more money and material; all things we are righteously granted, though it is excess that is our problem. There is no moderation.

Pure vs. Evil: There is a saddening extinction in effect for those who exercise purity of heart. The creators and advocates of evil have become unbearably overpopulated. In the song, Mama, I’m Satan, there is a pinching lyric which describes this point: the darkness of mankind stirs in us all. A little earlier he sings, “The world was built on an ego, it was built on slaves, it was built on a tickle between our legs” all things considered evil or unlawful. He preaches this notion that there never was a soul truly pure of heart and so creates an unstoppable evil.

Education vs. Instinct: who is to say what we have learned thus far has been what we are supposed to know? One lyric on one hand says, “I want to unlearn what I’ve learned” and a bit before this he sings, “I want to let my instincts take the lead”. It is such an honest feeling that, to empathize with him seems only fair and just. Preserving this notion, he states, “and I wish we that we had never talked, our hips had said it all…it’s the only way to feel alive”. So sad and true how this holds to today’s society. We have become so lost in the translations, lost within the tangles of our own words. It is through our hips and bodies and feelings that we come to feel alive again, even if for a short time. All else is seemingly useless.

With so many evils lurking quietly, the search for good becomes a tiresome, endless journey. It is difficult to sustain the positivity we are meant to hold for this world and what it has to offer. Hopefully, maybe, his lyrics have struck a few chords in another’s mind. His words hold a real sense of power. They hold onto a chance at change, an honest change. It’s not meant to be a battle, not meant to be a fight. One can change humanity; one can change society by first changing the mindset. And that’s all this artist’s simple song could ever ask for.

'don't be a criminal in this police state'

2009-02-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7893890.stm

&

http://www.theagitator.com/2009/02/17/maryland-state-police-raid-parents-home-for-teens-misdemeanor-pot-charge/
(amen to the last paragraph)

One can read about this financial crisis we’re in until they are about to self-suffocate, but in the end all you really saw were words. Being able to replace those words with first hand accounts really brings about new perspectives to the trauma we’re facing. Living through typical day by day activities, mixed with fresh tinges of sadness and fear has helped me see how this crisis is really making an impact on our society as a whole.

Living in New York City, I believe, one gets to experience the effects of the financial crisis more bluntly than others. Those living in suburbia may be able to hold on to their prized belongings longer or hide their weaknesses better than those who live in this fast paced city, with it’s desperately high standard of living, that’s overflowing with crazed and hungry commuters. The city lusciously dances its fastest when the high speed cash-flow of purchasing comes into play. Without it, the city grimly slugs about trying to hold up its own heavy façade; seemingly just a place that serves as a memento of power and wealth, proud of its gargantuan skyscrapers and ever-blinding lights.

The other day while in a frantic rush and trying to make my way uptown towards the LIRR via the MTA on Fulton Street, I attempt to buy one measly metro card. No credit accepted. No debit accepted. So, of course there’s no cash on me (because I am a 20 year old student at Pace University, just so we’re real here). I run out to a different subway entrance. No credit accepted. No debit accepted. No bills accepted. Great, so now I’m stuck and begin to get panicky because I am going to miss my train and it’s my little sister’s 13th birthday. I wind up having to grab cash from a stupid ATM, with its stupid $2.75 cover charge.

I ask for a two dollar metro from the man inside the booth, hand over my twenty and receive a frustrated sigh in response, “You don’t have anything smaller than a twenty?” “No, sir, I’m sorry, I don’t.” I get all singles in return.

It is these observances of minute happenings within my immediate environment which influence my own personal feelings and attitudes towards this crisis we are in. It is the quiet frustrations, like the inability to purchase a metro card, which make me realize why the difficulty of purchasing the card is difficult in the first place. It puts into perspective how hard these companies themselves are being hit. Everybody is clearly hurting pretty badly right now, whether they are directly or indirectly involved.

The most interesting thing to observe in light of all these burdens is how people are dealing with them. Some continue to shop and shop cause that’s all they know how to do, even in spite of this depression; some defend it, some spit on it. And then there are those who really don’t give a shit or on the verge of giving up and dropping all hope for humanity (I place latter two types in the same boat). Those who are in this special boat are the most interesting. It makes you wonder why these people feel this way, and what it is they are doing to help themselves cope.

I’d say the majority deals with these feelings by being under some sort of influence and the majority, of course, being my peers, friends and even myself included. We are at a horrible age to be experiencing this economic meltdown. Entering into college we became so hopeful about our futures and the endless possibilities that stood idle in the distance, patiently. Now those in my age group, who have their graduation celebrations and fancy degrees in the printing process rounding the corner, are becoming terrified of what is in store for them next. It is incredibly difficult to get a job right now as we are all well aware. And we feel completely useless, which makes it even worse.

As a student at a University in New York City, one should feel pride in the fact they have made it somewhere pretty remarkable. No longer living at home, consistently wrecking havoc in a city which never sleeps, legally, or illegally, drinking at such a high price (but man does that bar tab hurt so good); it is all too sinister for our own well being. But then, like it should have been expected, it quickly ends, and we begin asking questions like, “Where did all the money go?”

Classes and school now become more of a reality because if you mess that up, you are really screwed. The thought of moving back home after you graduate is so sickening that you can almost convince yourself that living on the streets is worth maintaining the exhilarating feeling you receive from living in the city. Getting a job becomes a serious, top notch priority in your life right about now, but the Help Wanted signs are nowhere to be found. So how do we deal with these anxieties and frustrations?

We drink. We drink and we do drugs. Often.

I saw a girl about my age at a deli near my dorm the other day paying for a 40 ounce beer in dimes. That takes dedication, brother. I understand it, but from our elders we reap looks of pity and anger. I assume it’s the fact that we are supposed to be the fine-tuned, breath-of-fresh-air Generation this country needs; bringing ourselves, and everyone else, out from these turmoil’s we are facing due to this so called “rut” we are in.

So while we let ourselves literally drown in self-pity and aim to have a good chunk of memory removed from our well spent nights, I can understand, I guess, that it can be a little unsettling to those more matured and wise. But in our defense, I quote The Bouncing Souls, “too old to bother, too young to care”.

Then that tired, smirking man working at the deli-counter literally just stares at that poor porcelain skinned girl, with her gorgeous auburn hair who’s patiently holding out the hand filled with dimes, and says, “Really?” And she replies, “Do what ya gotta do man, times are sucking hard right now.”

What’s in store for the future will always remain unknown. But meanwhile, as these hits keep coming, you may as well go on a hunt for happiness and live out your life, because no one, especially no selfish, money-hungry, corporate aficionado, should deter you from the fact that all human beings “…held certain truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness…” as it is beautifully state in our own Declaration of Independence.

beauty

2009-01-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

came back to reality on sunday. it's a good feeling being able to breathe in the dirty new york air. i was getting tired of all that clean shit.

i'm really happy. like unbelievably happy. a lot has been taken off my shoulders and i can focus on me now and what i really want. it's a very strange feeling.

i don't know what it is these past couple days, but i have been connecting with so many new people lately. like right off the bat, i can meet people and have absolutely incredible conversations with them. it's really a beautiful feeling, and i think a lot of it has to do with my self awareness. i understand my principles and ideas so much more clearly now and meeting people who feel the same is such a refreshing feeling. there must be something with the star alignment.

This is why i love new york city. people come here to feel alive. people don't come here to settle. this isn't a settling kinda town. you do shit here. you get shit done. i'm always doing something. i can't just sit and watch tv for hours. i'd rather hang myself.

last night was amazing. me kris and er went to visit john at Superfine. got some drnks, watched a gospel group perform(??) then a dj came up afterwards. left for a while to go to a coworkers practice studio. a very home away from home feeling. smoked a joint. had. a fucking. dance party. to say the least lol it was a pretty intense situation that we wrapped ourselves into. i can never listen to MGMT-kids the same. fucking, gracelynn? beautiful, beautiful girl. she can feel the way i feel. and that makes my insides warm. and on top of that aramus was doing the lighting in the tiny recording room. unreal. makes me feel alive. and i havent felt really alive in a long, long time. oh and a quick sidenote. discussions arised and i was talking about my transport to the other dimension and how i saw castles and gracelynn said she refers to "it" as Camelot. we were meant to beeee

anyway, school started today. first day of school's always my favorite. i love seeing the types of people that are going to be learning with me. of course there's always a bunch of jerk offs, but since i'm not taking any teaching classes, i have all new faces. complete opposite of last semester. so, my first class was literary theory and criticism, which completely floored me. some of the things on the outline include modernism, romantics, post modernism, psychology, religion, history, society, culture. helloooo perfect. god. it's going to be incredibly technical, which kind of scares me but at the same time, is exactly what i need. i need a good kick in the ass; i bullshit entirely too much. and my professor is like serious intelligence. he has some sort of disability; wheel chair and crutches. makes perfect sense that his forte is reading and literature. amen to him.

the other class i had today was feature writing. fucking awesome. it's so me and my style of writing. i'm really looking forward to beginning working on some essays. i have a field day with em. the professor is so sick as well. he's from Ireland. of course. all the cool people are irish. he's really funny and likes to talk with us about all sorts of shit. we really break down the news. it's stuff i always do in my head and in my writing, but now i see that there are terms for these things i do lol. like when i read the newspaper, i'll circle things that interest me in particular and write about that point of view, or whatever. i just like taking a lot of notes and then doing research and writing about it. it's fun, i'm weird idk.

anyway, so then i made another new best friend. i'm making so many new best friends it's ridiculous. i just want all my best friends to come together and be best friends with each other. god, there's only so many hours in the day and i want to hang with everyone. he's fuckin awesome and of course is good friends with my fellow teaching buddies. funny: he's a pisces and so was gracelynn, the chick i met last night. amazing. but yeah we got to talking and he's a blast. he got me pace coffee and gave me a piece of his kitkat bar. first time i meet the kid; true friendship right there. we talked and talked and he's a english and writing major. teaches students who speak other languages. it seems like a really cool program, too. fucking, in May he will start this job in Barcelona. really? i like want that. or, need, actually.

i'm just so thrilled with the way things are going in my life. i'm finally surrounded by genuinely beautiful people with good hearts and with good heads on their shoulders oh and like to fucking have a party. i couldn't ask for anything more.

some new words that i'm going to be adding to my vocabulary:
balls (rum diary)
bullshit (mike)
marvelous (professor)

2009-01-05T02:29:00.000-05:00

i'm so happy i experienced last night. it was a good one.
i wouldve never expected a red headed kid from England to be the one to get us to do that lol

Horoscopeee

2009-01-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

Year 2009 Overview

It's time to celebrate yourself, Taurus! You are pouring yourself into your life's mission and rejuvenating yourself with abundant thinking, which attracts great things to you. You're diligently creating a public arena where opportunities will emerge for you to be a teacher or messenger. Engagements for speaking, writing and sharing your thoughts will open up. Other people will be inspired by your enthusiasm and insight, and will support you in accomplishing your goals.

Taurus's excitement radiates more than ever this year, bringing with it a magnificent energy the world has been lacking. As you embrace the power of your heart and spirit, you are allowing yourself to transform and align with a universal energy source. You discover the space for your creativity to flow and abundantly bring the truth of your being into the world. Your focus on your connection with a higher purpose brings out the best in you and refines your self-expression.

You appreciate all the expansive shifts that are taking place in your life, and you are learning to break up routines and old patterns of rigidity. This allows you a new level of awareness and acceptance of your ultimate purpose. Pay attention to what has heart and meaning. Express your truth and you will advance. You will find avenues to bring your talents and belief systems to philanthropic endeavors. By the end of the year, you will be able to slow down a bit and find more time to enjoy the new you that you have created.

le sigh

2008-12-13T21:12:00.000-05:00

I know i'm not perfect and lately it's been showing more often than i'd like to admit. at the same time though, i've never been more aware of myself, of who i am. it's hard to describe. it's not in the sense of my actions or well being, because i'm really fucking up in those aspects, but more along the lines of awareness in who i am, what i want to gain out of life, and how i could possibly fit into this mess called 'life'.

i'm writing a paper of epic proportions (up to my capabilities, at least), but i'm seriously skeptical about posting it to the public. if you don't really know or understand who i am at this point in my life, i don't want you to read it. it's one of those things that digs way too deep into me and my ideals-thoughts-dreams-hopes and you shouldn't be reading it. mainly out of fairness to myself. you shouldn't know that much about me but if you want to, be my friend. that's cool, too. if you want to read it, let me know. it's pretty fucking ill.

i've really been going through a rough patch of my life this semester. it has been the most challenging academically and emotionally. i don't know if it's one of those things where the more fucked up shit you go through, the more you learn about yourself, but i'm starting to get a real sense of who i am. my confidence has been building up, but with all that's going on it's getting harder to prove, even to myself.

oh sidenote: i also hate that so many things i see or hear or learn or do have been connecting to me and these new thoughts i have. it's getting really fucked up at this point. shit.

anyway, i have a lot of shit to work out. i've been worn down to the core and i am just so thankful that soon, so soon, i will be home for a month. a month away from the craziness that's destroying my life and my goals and fucking mental stability. jesus. i finally get to be around great people who don't have intentions of hurting me. a month away from deception, manipulation, lies, greed. it's gona be fucking awesome, yo. it kills me.

i'm a lover, not a fighter.
i want to be happy, that's all.

2008-12-07T16:55:00.001-05:00

You have to trust in something--your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever--because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.

2008-12-01T13:03:00.000-05:00

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. - Woody Allen

Scrambled Egg

2008-11-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

I should really start getting my act together. I'm fucking all over the place.
I need a beach vacation.

Gina

2008-10-21T19:02:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMxUh4JuLMs

LOLLLL
luvu

Goodies

2008-10-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

time to watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-R5Vh5tOWk&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLfsG8XKWfw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anxkrm9uEJk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpBzQI_7ez8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH2iufUU1f4

http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html

and read ishmael. srsly. pz.

Meltdown

2008-10-16T17:43:00.000-04:00

In one of my education classes we were given an authors critique on a text that is meant to describe other nation’s points of view in their own textbooks. It is clear that other nation’s texts are going to read differently than the ones produced in America. Ideally, the intentions of the book History Lessons: How Textbooks From Around the World Portray U.S. History is great for the understanding of how other nations history came to be and shows the comparisons. The United States has this “isolationist tendency”, as do all other nations and it is important to be aware of the truth. Unfortunately, both sides can be viewed as fact. Who are we to decide that their point of view is wrong? We are taught to believe that whatever we have done in our own histories is what made us the country we came to be today. This brings up the impact of conspiracy theories. In essence, they are real. We have proof of it from our own American history, but what is not clear is how much of what we think to be true, is actually true?

Now so more than ever, I believe we are living in a very corrupt system of government. This may be because I am more aware of the political goings-on that we are facing due to the upcoming elections, but never the less it is clear to me that something is wrong. From history we have seen that America used to be a very dominant, proud and free nation. It was those factors alone which laid out the fundamental outlines for how our democracy should run. We used to rise above many other countries, and other countries, at least I think so, used to admire us for what we stood for. There are two possibilities for this aching feeling of sadness and paranoia I feel coming from our nation. It could either be that our current President truly did put us in a horrible rut, or that corporate America is really trying to take over the world behind our backs.

Sticking with conspiracy theories though, I am questioning their liability. Why should I believe these theories? I do not want to believe in them solely because I feel I ought to protest our government in every way possible. I want to know facts, and I need real truth coming from the higher-ups in our country. I want our country to admit that it was wrong about something rather than constantly pointing their fingers and playing the blame game. It is important to be rational when considering conspiracy theories as truth. Logic and research must be legitimately done and both sides need to be present. Hearing what one wants to hear is generally going to shine through.

What is interesting is how much conspiracies, especially real ones, impact our society. We have grown to be dependant on a nation and a president to lay down the laws and regulate corruption so we can grow and become prosperous either independently or as a whole community. Using the example of Watergate in 1972, it is unbelievable someone with such power as Nixon could tarnish such a democracy. With investigations in burglary, fraud, espionage, wiretappings and laundering it is no wonder the public was disgusted with the Republican Party. With that in mind, their government completely changed. Many new laws were put into effect as well as amendments like the Freedom of Information Act. The following House and Senate elections dramatically changed as well. Democrats gained five seats in the Senate and 49 were in the House.

Conspiracy theories are a very real thing today, too. Take the 9/11 theory that the government knew about it the whole time. Recently, though, I came across a book that really shook me. It is called Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins. In brief, corporate higher ups come together and go into underdeveloped countries and propose them with huge loans saying if we give you a certain amount of money, you can build up your country and economy and will have the ability to pay us back whenever you can. These countries such as Ecuador and Costa Rice obviously are willing to accept this offer. The countries now get into serious debt and in the end wind up owing their life and all their profits to the United States because they cannot payback their dues. This is why these countries thrive off tourism and cannot make ends meet on their own. These “hit men” go into the country, build it up, and then leave and let the rest just fall into their laps and banks. It makes sense and is not surprising. This gives so much power to the United States it is unbelievable; all the underdeveloped countries are now at the mercy of a huge superpower of a nation, the U.S. Things like this are happening within our own country now which makes it even more intolerable. Companies are lending out mortgages that are clearly never going to be paid off? Why is it that this happened?

With all this corruption going on in our government is it surprising that our society does not trust our government the way it used to? There is hardly a sense of nationalism. It was in full force when the 9/11 tragedy struck, but now it barely exists. Our country needs a strong and firm government willing to change and clean up the messes we have made, not one in which we need to be weary of its intentions and ideals. Conspiracy theories, ones that seem plausible, do nothing to satisfy the people. We need to aim towards a nation that wants prosperity for all and will put the people first, not the needs of the power-hungry and the war-lords. What happened to: for the people, by the people? We deserve to know the truth, it is our country after all, the government should only be there for support and progressive leadership.

listerine

2008-09-28T20:50:00.001-04:00

my phone literally BOUNCED off my couch and proceeded to land in my glass of water which was sitting on the floor.

i swear to God, only me.

I got to thinkin about my life and where it's been heading [again] today. I've been treking the right path I think, but there definitely needs to be some serious altercation. Need more faces and places. I can't start doing the customary and routine already. Digging for the bigger meaning is too important to me. Finding out who I really am is even more so. I just want to be happy and filled with all things "good" when I think about my life. I'm 20, but hey I know a lot of people who are already half settled and content with that or people who are completely lost and have no direction. That can't be me. I have way too many plans. I'd like to think I have been through enough the past couple years to accept that I have changed as a person somewhat. But I can't tell if it's all for the best. I've become more cynical for sure, but maybe that's just me being less naiive. I've become less passionate about things and people, but maybe that's because I've realized their realities and intensions. I don't know. I'd like to start focusing more on me and coming to my own realizations about myself. Not to the point where I'm self-centered, obviouslyy, or only concentrated on this tiny realm of ideas and thoughts and people and situations and places. More in the direction of expanding my mind and interests and experiences. I want to do everything. And that makes me lame. It's cool. I'll come to terms with that one day, too.

This has been floating around in my head most probably because I began reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn a few days ago aaand it's fucking awesome. Everyone should read it. One of those, makes you question everything you believe in sort of things. Very cynical, very interesting, very thoughtful, very strange. Makes me wish my life was more. Or that life was more?

anyway, this week has promise cause we're off tuesday and wednesdayyy (which is also 80s night for kristens burthday- siiick). loove free time.

my parents are in a huge fight over listerine right now.

i hope my life never comes to that.

i'm getting my cavity filled tomorrow morning and i really really hate the dentist. especially the one i go to because he has no consideration for my mouth. he pokes and pries and makes me bleed and doesn't even care. it's going to be so bad. after tomorrow though, my mom said i can go to a new dentist. one who gives me cooler tooth brushes.

end.

timetable

2008-09-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

i have tons of journals at home, all of which i rarely write in. i figure, maybe if i have this it'll be easier to keep up with.

anyway this week was amazing
wednesday i saw mars volta; fucking mindblowing. got in the middle of a maniac throwin some serious punches, blood spewing everywhere; spent the night getting wasted and angry. friday, i went out for sushi with some of my girls and australians, then went to this club/lounge place where i got free alcohol. saturday dez and erik came in. i really missed her so much cause she's my beautiful best friend. had some good conversation, finally. [i deal with so many boring and/or stupid people.] yesterday i went to st. gennaro, got real fat then saw burn notice. awesome.
then next thursday's nfg.

anyway, my dreams have been so crazy vivid lately. so i started a journal just for my dreams, kind of like william s. burroughs book: my education. it should be pretty sweet after i have a bunch cause then maybe i can make some short stories out of them.
i had this one dream the other day that i can't stop talking about: there was a party going on at my house. Me, dan and a few other faces i cannot recall were in my den. i was standing by the sliding doors, talking, when all of a sudden i knew i was going to die. the conversation turned to me asking what everyone thought happens when you die. everyone said you just die. it ends. this is it. nothingness. then i said, i think this is just a test, an experiment leading to something much much bigger than we could ever imagine. i definitely don't think i meant a "heaven" or something, but possibly. just another world type thing. then after i said that, i vanished, flew away, but was still able to roam around watching everyone.

it was bizarre. and then i told my friend in class and she said that meant someone close to me was going to die and i got all anxious for the rest of the day.

later.